Gym Bunny

OK, so I took all that self hatred I was feeling at the start of the week and used it to spur me into the gym!

Yes, I joined the gym on Tuesday. Yeah me!

Straight away I could list a gazillion reasons why I couldn’t go, from 'I don't have any sports bag' to 'I don't have tracksuit bottoms' or ‘I can’t afford it’.

And whilst I'm sure I did the right thing, I was as nervous as hell going for my induction. I of course felt/looked fat & unfit but like I said to the trainer, I’m in it for the long haul.

He put me through my paces and showed me how to work all the cardio machines. Currently, I’m liking the rower & treadmill and disliking the stepper & wave machine.

He made up a card and told me to focus on the distance or resistances achieved on each machine, as opposed to the length of time spend on them. I should aim for maximum of 10 mins per machine and rotate them, ensuring all my muscle groups are getting a workout - as well as a cardio workout.

As usual, my face turned bright red and I was struggling for breath but in some weird sado-type way, I actually enjoyed it!

Now don’t get me wrong, I don't think I'll ever turn into a Gym Bunny but I think I’ll enjoy going to gym and it just might not be as bad as I’d first thought. It’s just the ‘getting out of the house after the kids go to bed’ bit I’ll find difficult.

I H.A.T.E

I hate how I look, so I don’t like looking in the mirror; I only look at myself from the shoulders up
I hate that I can’t wear nice clothes, as a result I don’t like shopping for clothes
I hate that I’m not fit, I’m overweight and unhealthy
I hate the word ‘diet’
I hate that I’m an embarrassment to husband & kids
I hate that I sometimes snore at night, can’t get a decent sleep and then I’m grouchy the next day
I hate being self conscious
I hate healthy eating but I know my body needs it
I hate getting my photograph taken and I’ve just realized that there are very little photos of me and the girls as a result
I hate that I am lazy
I hate that I’ve no willpower or determination but I’ve got plenty of self pity
I hate that my blood pressure is ‘border line’
I hate what use to be my tummy and is now my ‘mothers apron’
I hate my scales, I think they see me coming and the needle swings to a fixed number before I even step on them
I hate exercise but I know I need to do it
I hate that I am weak

Do You Know The Secret To Success?

I was thinking today how many times I sabotage my own success. Like, really and truly. It's like I have a self-destruct button and I'm only happy when I'm pressing on it!  

Then, as you would expect, I get all depressed about it and turn to food for comfort. As a grown woman I should and do know better. I know what I should be doing to get fit and what I should be eating to get healthy but I just can't fucking do it. I am starting to think that I am my own worst enemy.

I stopped smoking just after New Year. It's tough going but so far it's been just over 3 weeks.

Now, why can't I stick to a diet & exercise plan for 3 weeks? If anyone out there knows the answer to this or to my original question 'Do you know the secret to success?', then please feel free to leave me a message!

Highs & Lows of Week 1

High - I turned into a domestic goddess and tried 3 new recipes this week.  The first was Courgette stuffed with Spicy Lamb.  My first time trying lamb as I don't like the strong taste but it was lovely, will try it again!  Then I made Curried Salmon fillet with low fat naan bread and peach/pineapple salsa and Sunday I made Sweet Potato, Butternut Squash & Chorizo soup.

Low - No exercise this week.

High - No cigs.  I haven't smoked since Saturday, 3rd Jan.  I got through the weekend, even after having a few drinks.  I can't say it wasn't hard and I didn't constantly thing about having a smoke but I got through it.

Low - Didn't drink enough water this week.

High - Kept my positive outlook throughout the week, didn't get stressed or annoyed about anything.

Low - Still hate looking in the mirror and the fact that my clothes are too tight.

High - Feeling organised and in control.

Day 1

It didn't go to badly today.  I think the key was that I was prepared.

I got up early to make sure I'd time for a breakfast of porridge and to prepare a lunch to take into work, a chicken salad.  As I'm a bit weird about food (don't like certain things touching each other on the plate, or pre-made salads wilting on my plate), I made a little bento lunch!  

I had 5 mini plastic boxes - lettuce & shredded carrot in one, chicken breast in another, tomato-spring onion-red onion in another, coleslaw & mango chutney divided by a mini cracker in one and grapes & strawberries in the last one.  Don't think I'll be going to that much effort every day!  For dinner I had homemade potato, leek & bacon soup and ham & cheese panini.

I let myself down today by not drinking enough water and by not exercising.  I will correct this tomorrow.

I also weighed myself this morning.  Wasn't really shocked, it wasn't far off what I'd thought.  Now I can't wait to see if I can lose a few pounds for next week.  However, I'm the type of person who needs to see results - fast!  I get deflated easily if things don't go my way, so I'll have to work on that or end up in the downward spiral that lands me in a plate of take away food!

Found myself craving cigarettes and alcohol tonight!  My mind must still be in festive mood.

New Year, New Beginnings

New year, new beginnings and all that goes with it.  So come tomorrow I start on my long journey down the diet road again, only difference this time - is I have to succeed!

Goals & Aims

I want to be able to play with the kids and enjoy running around without being self conscious

I want to be able to buy clothes without wanting to burst out crying in the changing rooms

I want to enjoy life and feel fit / healthy

Reduce my BMI and get down to 199 lb by Summer

Do You Like Who You've Become?

"Do You Like Who You've Become?

I can honestly say, No!

I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I repulse myself. With regards to diet, exercise and generally looking after myself - I suck. I lie, cheat & let myself down.

Tonight I think it finally came to a head when I stood on the scales and set a new 'all time heaviest' record.

I want more for myself, I want more for Ivan & the girls.

The way I see it, there are 3 areas of my life that currently need urgent attention :-

1) Me, Myself & I
2) My home
3) My relationships

If I can work on the first two, the third will look after itself!

I mean, if I lose weight, get healthy and start taking a pride in my appearance - I'll be happy & confident. If I pay more attention to housework & home improvements - Ivan will be happy. Don't get me wrong, my house isn't bad, it's just that I do the bear minimum to get by these days. I show no interest.

So, I am really wishing that this is it.

I really want to have the power to change the things I'm not happy with. I want to look forward. I want to be happy & like who I've become.

Not too much to ask."

I first posted this in March 2007 and I'm ashamed to say nothing much has changed today!  This time, however, I will make a difference, I will succeed ...

My new 'healthy living' starts on Monday and in a strange way I'm looking forward to it.  I'm sick of all the eating and drinking that took place over the festive period.  

I'm starting by planning out my food intake for the week and then going shopping for healthy alternatives tomorrow.

I'm going to increase my water intake this week, lots of hot water & lemon (my liver could do with the cleansing!).

I'm going to get more active, at least 3 times, this week.

I'm stopping smoking.