This one will be a journey on the back of PND (Post Natal Depression)
Talk about shouting it from the roof tops ~ all I've been doing since I've said the words out loud is talking about it!
I feel like someone has got all my emotions, shoved them in a bag and given the bag a great big shake. I'm all over the place. I just want to curl up into a ball and let everything go on around me.
Things came to a head when we went to a friends wedding a few weeks back. I sat through the service thinking "I don't want to go through with this" and I wasn't even the bride! I didn't want to put myself in the situation of meeting strangers, of talking to people, of smiling all day long. I felt I wasn't up to scratch with everyone else at the wedding. Anyway, I made it to 11pm (with help from the white grape, of course!). We went back to our room and I locked myself in the toilet and cried for 2 hours. I came our and cried for another 2 hours.
My poor husband didn't know what had happened. Basically I told him that I hate myself. I really do. I hate what I have become. I hate that I am avoiding people. I hate that I can go all week without talking to another adult, other than him. I hate pretending everything is ok, I'm getting tired of putting on a brave face when all I want to do is cry. I hate that I'm a shitty mum, shitty wife and can't run a house. How the fuck will I manage when I go back to work?
This was the start of a downward spiral during which I locked myself out of the house three times, walked out of a cafe without paying, cried at the drop of a hat and generally wanted to give up but I took the bull by the horns and made an appointment with my doctor.
I had my appointment this morning. They were running behind by about 30 minutes and I swear I nearly walked out twice! My tummy flipped and I was nearly sick. I tried to think of something else I could get checked out, like a sore throat but in the end I 'fessed up.
I explained that I hate myself and that I've been disconnecting from friends and family. The thought of things to come in the next few months makes me feel sick (1st Xmass without MIL, MIL birthday 2 days later, returning to work at the end of Jan and can't afford childcare, no childcare sorted yet, husband may have to leave work, will he resent me for this, my employers bought over and I may be made redundant by April ......)
Anyway, long story short, I've PND and she put me on tablets, Fluoxetine.
Doctor is getting the HV to call and visit with me and wants to see me back in a month. The tablets may not kick in for a couple of weeks but I should notice a difference by Christmas.
She suggested that I just to get through Christmas, without putting any more pressure on myself and to stop thinking about work problems until I see her in the New Year.
So, here we go. Will this be a long journey or just a trip round the block?
9 years ago
11 comments:
*hugs* I'm so glad you went and followed through with your appointment. I had PND and crazy anxiety after the twins and I also took fluoxetine. I don't think it even took a whole 2 weeks to start working. But it did help sooo much! Although you may not believe it now, it will get better.
BTW, I got your card today and it is so lovely! Olivia was oohing and ahhing over it as well. You are so talented. Thank you so much!
((BIG hugs)) I suspected something was going on, but I am VERY happy that you stayed for your appointment. I hope you see a huge improvement in the next week or so.
((hugg)
((hug)) You should be so proud of yourself for going through with getting checked out. It WILL get better from here. After I finally got checked out and was put on medication it didn't take long to feel myself again. I wish you the best! ((hug))
You've already made a huge first step. I'm proud of you. I'll be thinking of you and hoping you feel back to your old self in no time. {{{hugs}}}
You are so dear. I promise it will get better. Huggs to you. I am thinking of you all.
Melin
Love you Lorraine, you are a fantastic person and you will get through this. xxx
I feel in my heart that you can get through this. You are an amazing and strong woman.
I've been thinking about you non-stop, as if I can mentally reach out to you from here without saying a hello in about a week.
(((HUG))) You are *NOT* alone.
I understand. Thinking of you sweet Lorraine.
x
Big Hugs and thinking of you. Hormones really stink after having a baby and hopefully things will get better soon.
I'm just now catching up on you (it's 12-21).
Long journey or short jaunt, I'm thinking of you. I ordered Brooke Shields "Down Came the Rain" after Peanut was born. I've only read a bit because...I suck, but so far it's good. It's her story of PPD, maybe you'd find it helpful too?
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