Enjoy my job again

I use to love my job. I've been with the Company for nearly 15 years and cannot see me going any where else.

Got a new boss last April, went on maternity leave in June and when I came back in February of this year I had never felt so out-of-place, so unwanted in my life.

I guess they would rather I didn't come back!

I try to shake this feeling but some days the atmosphere makes you feel physically ill.

I'm all for changes, been there that long and been through so many in the past but I have bad vibes, I hate atmospheres and I hate cliques.

However, that said, I want to be happy in my job again. I will try to do everything in my power to make that happen.

Be more creative with our family time

I think we don't do enough together, he thinks we do!

I think spending time shopping or wandering around shopping centres doesn't could as family time, he does!



I want to go on little days out, trips here & there. Great in theory but given the weather here in Northern Ireland you can't always plan ahead. We did go for a lovely walk the other day, got the heads blew off us but it was fun. Caitlin & Lauren got to stretch their legs, round around and get fresh air. Both ended up covered in muck but that was to be expected.

It's little things like this that I want to do more often. Go to the zoo, go to the cinema, go for a walk and let Caitlin take her bike or roller skates.

I'm going to push for this in 2007!

Make time for me

This probably goes hand in hand with No. 1 on my list.

I want to make an effort with my appearance All.Of.The.Time not just when I feel like it, the times when I'm feeling confident. With regard to this, I've only myself to blame and no-one else can do it for me!

I also need to juggle my spare time better. I work full time Monday - Friday and only have a few hours to myself each night by the time dinner is over, girls are played with and then tucked up safe in bed.

One week I'm all about cleaning the house and do nothing for me. Next week I sit and scrapbook every night and the house goes to hell.

Surely I can make more of an effort to do both. Work out what needs done and work out 2/3 nights for me, especially if I want to introduce a little exercise into the mix now too!

This will improve things with Ivan too. I will not hear him nagging me about the hours I spend online, or the mess I make when scrapping, or the fact that the house is a tip!

This one should be easy to crack! I'll should make a little rota and stick it to the fridge, lol.

Have success with weight loss & improve my fitness level

When I say 'improve my fitness level', what I mean is, improve it from it's current status of 0 (on a scale of 0 to 10). Anything higher than this would be an improvement!

I need to change my life style completely.

I need to work on my non-existent will power.

I need to stop eating in secret.

I need to introduce exercise into my daily routine and by that I don't mean walking to the kitchen and filling my plate with snacks!

It's funny that I know what I should be doing but just don't do it.

All that is about to change. 2007 will be my year. I sat down this time last year thinking, writing the same thing. But this time I've seen how successful other people have been in the space of 12 months and I now want that for me, before it's too late.

I want to be able to play with my girls.

I want to be able to buy clothes of the rack.

I want to have choices with regards to fashion.

I want to be me again.

That is why this is 'All About Me'

5 Things I Want To Achieve In 2007

1) Have success with weight loss & improve my fitness level.
2) Make time for me.
3) Be more creative with our family time.
4) Enjoy my job again.
5) Possibly TTC, if I can convince Ivan!

My Little Lauren is one today!!!!! I can't believe it. Time has passed by so fast. 

ABCs of Me

A - Age
35. A big ol' 35. Funny thing is I don't feel old. I've always had a young outlook on life. I hope I feel the same when I'm 65!

B - Books
I love reading. Horror, thriller, serial killer type books. Real life crimes like the Manson murders or fictions by authors like Martina Cole and Patricia Cornwell.

C - Caitlin
My first born, my love and my life.

D - Dream Destination
Maldives. Since before I met Ivan, I've always wanted to visit the Maldives. I use to dream that I'd honeymoon here but alas it was not to be! I've made him promise to take me for a special anniversary!

E - Exercise
Something I need to do more off! Caitlin asked me yesterday if I had a baby in my belly! When I said no, she said "oh, it's just fat then"

F - Friends
I don't have many friends in real life but I've made many special friends online who I will treasure for ever.

G - Greens
I don't eat enough veg. I've only recently started eating salads.

H - Hairdressers
I love going to the hairdressers. I love playing around with my cut and colour as often as I can afford!

I - Ivan
My soulmate, my husband, my best friend.

J - Junk Food
Hate to admit it but I'm an addict. I could live without McD's, Burger King & KFC but now without pizza, garlic bread, Chinese and Indian food.

K - Kylen
I hope & pray every day that this little angel pulls through. She is constantly in my thoughts.

L - Lauren
Little Lauren. My angle. Can't believe she will be 1 on Tuesday. Where does the time go?

M - Mommaville
My favourite website.

N - Nails
The only time I've had nice long, well looked after nails was when I was pregnant both times. Otherwise they are a mess!

O - Online
I could spend hours at a time online. Best invention ever. Ivan doesn't get it (until he discovered eBay this week and bought a load of The Who stuff!).

P - Parents
I love me parents to bits. I wouldn't be where I was today or who I am today if it wasn't for their love and encouragement.

Q - Qualities
Best quality would be my outgoing personality. I'm a people person and love meeting new people. Worst quality would be my lack of patients. I'm sort of a 'if it's quicker to do yourself' type of person and it can sometimes lead to a short fuse!

R - Ring
Engagement ring. I never seen it coming. We'd been together so long. Christmas morning 1999, I just wasn't expecting it. Ivan had given me a gift box with beautiful earring in it. Later when he give me another gift box, I immediately thought 'matching something'. When I opened the box and seen the ring he had picked all by himself, I cried.

S - Scrapbooking
My new addiction. There are not enough hours in the week!

T - TV Shows
My favourite shows are ER, Holby City, casualty (all hospital dramas!). Lost, CSI, The sopranos.

U - useless Info
I can touch my nose with my tongue. I auditioned for an American film and got shortlisted. I love to dance. I hate eating cheese but love it melted on pizza etc.

V - Vatican
I went on a trip to Italy with the school and we met the Pope. I love the Vatican City. I'd love to go back.

W - Work
I've worked, full time, for the same company for the last 14 years. I never thought I'd stay there that long. Now I don't ever think I'll leave.

X - X-Ray
When I was little I closed my thumb in a car door. I got it xrayed and they said it wasn't broken. A few weeks later I was still in pain. We went to a different hospital and it was xrayed again. It was broke in 3 places!

Y - Yesterday
I visited mum & dad and we had a little party for Lauren. If was great. My mum, dad, brother, two sisters and two nieces were there. The girls love getting together.

Z - Zodiac sign
Aries. Aries belongs to a group of Zodiac signs which astrologers call fire signs. By this they mean that people born under these signs remind them of a warm, bright, crackling fire. They have a fiery, impulsive quality. They tend to be outgoing and sometimes have hot tempers, but they forgive easily as well. They are optimistic and rarely remain sad for long. Me to a T!

I did this lo just recently, same idea & papers as the Lauren one. The title is simply "Caitlin" I've still to add a little journaling and put it in the envelope. 

I've been keeping busy! I took up scrapbooking at the start of the year and have to admit I'm addicted. This was the first lo I ever completed. "Mondays Child Is Fair Of Face" my baby Lauren. 

Guess who’s back, back again? Lorraine’s back, tell a friend!

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I last posted. I have a lot of catching up to do and I don’t know where to start. So I’ll just ramble. Feel free to ask questions at the end, if I haven’t covered anything or you’d like a further update …

It took a long while for me to adjust being back at work. I felt very paranoid (still do at times) and felt that I had been demoted in some way. But over the last few weeks things have settled down and I’m enjoying being back.

I have totally fell off the Weight Loss train and I’m trying desperately to get back on. I’m at my heaviest I’ve been in a long while. I really need to start journaling what I eat and how much I exercise. I really need to get started, pronto.

Home life is hard some times. Really more to do with being under pressure at work and learning how to juggle everything in my life at the minute. At the start I was Little Miss Organised, then I let things slip because I was unhappy at work and now I think I’ve got a grip on everything again.

I’m still on my Happy Pills. I did try to come off them by myself. Bad Idea! They help me balance everything out and make me not beat up on myself so much.

Lauren has 8 teeth and has just started crawling. She has been rolling around like a Commando for weeks now and getting into everything. Her sleeping is a lot better. Usually sleeping through, maybe only waking once for her dummy.

Caitlin is doing so well. She recognises lots of numbers and letters. She can write 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 very well. She loves doing ‘homework’ and reading (or being read too).

That will do for now! It's a start anyway, lol.

As I'm going back to work on Monday, after 8 months maternity leave, I decided to get my hair done to cheer me up !!!!! 

Two embarrassing stories from my flights to/from London …

Outward flight to London

Everything was going great. Lauren was loving all the attention and just after take off, I gave her a bottle. She fell asleep until landing!

We got into the airport and I went to the change Lauren and go to the toilet. Only then I noticed that AF (which had been and gone earlier in the week) had decided to put in an appearance. Now, I don’t know if it was due to the sudden change in cabin air pressure but I do know it should not have happened!

My pad was as much use as a chocolate teapot and I had leaked onto my pants and trousers! Then I dropped my only tampon on a dirty wet floor (don’t worry I left it and went to buy new ones!) and when I went to flush, I had picked the only toilet that was flooding!!!!!!!!

Talk. About. Embarrassed. I swear I wanted to get on the next plane home ……..




Return flight to Belfast

Everything was going great. Lauren was loving all the attention and just after take off, I gave her a bottle. She fell asleep until landing!

Mid-flight I felt a drip on my head, then another and another. I looked up and MILK was dripping down from the over head compartment!

Again, I don’t know if it was due to the sudden change in cabin air pressure but I do know it should not have happened! One of Lauren’s bottles had sprung a leak!

All I could to, being belted into the seat with a sleeping baby on top of me, was put my hand up and will it to stop. The some hunky guy in the next aisle seat came to my rescue. He lifted out my baby bag and the got a load of napkins and cleaned up the mess.

I.Have.Never.Been.So.Embarrassed (except for above incident)

The London Eye 

Charlene, Ross & Kati with her DH in the background 

Me and Linda x 

The sun setting on the River Thames 

Charlene and Linda. Two very special and very beautiful ladies. True friends x 

This is little Georgia getting to grips with Laurens hair, lol 

I had a fantastic time in London on Saturday. We just hung around the South Bank. This is a group shot with Big Ben in the background. Going left to right, standing, we have Charlene, Kati, Corey, Ross, Me, Linda and Sonny hiding! In the pushchairs we have, left to right, Taryn, Oliver, India (standing), Georgia, Lauren and Leo. 

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat, where have you been?

I've been to London to visit the Queen!



Well, lots of lovely ladies and their babies.



Lauren and I are off to London to meet up with some friends I met online via Mommaville.com

I am so excited to be getting the chance to catch up with this group again and to be meeting some new faces too!

I'm a little sad that Caitlin can't be with us but the cost of the flight was just too much, no child reductions on the fare! I first visited in July'04, with Caitlin ~ so it's only right that Lauren gets a turn now.

Can't wait.

Riverdance !!!

Being Irish, I have to admit that we train them young!




I've found this to be the best method .....




After a few years of practice, they progress to this .....

Houston We Have A Toothy-Peg!

It has just cut through on the bottom gum and you can feel it ever so slightly (when she is biting my chin )

She also rolled over today for the first time and likes to push herself backwards when lying on the floor but I think this has more to do with her love of head rubbing!

I have a Late Bloomer I guess.

New Childminders Pow-Wow

The girls met with their new childminders last Thursday.

Caitlin will be going to a new Playgroup three days a week and then she will be going home with Helen (the lady that runs the Playgroup). Helen use to be a registered childminder until she set up this playgroup just over 10 years ago. She is married to one of Ivan's best friends, I've met her lots of times. She is a lovely girl and I have no problem with her looking after Caitlin.

We've told Caitlin that she is going to a new Playgroup (along with her current one two days per week) and she is very lucky cause she will have two lots of friends to play with, two lots of toys etc. We've also told her she will be going home with Helen who will mind her until daddy comes to pick her up. For the most part she has digested this information and is happy with it. She even said to me "It's because you're going back to work, isn't it? You don't like work, poor mummy"

Caitlin got on great with Helen. She thinks Helen is brilliant cause she has long, blond hair! Nuff said.

Helen asked Caitlin lots of questions about what she likes doing in Playgroup, playing with, watching on TV, eating etc. Caitlin answered and talked to Helen like she had known her all her life. She can't wait to visit the Playgroup this week ~ it has a box of Barbies and a slide (currently not available in her present Playgroup!).

Helen's mum is called Beril and she will be looking after Lauren. This I'm more anxious about. Leaving my baby makes everything about going back to work more real.

Beril is a lovely lady and she was just smitten with Lauren! She is really looking forward to having her and wants me to bring all the usual pruck Lauren will need during the day to keep her happy. She is happy with me leaving it in her house, saves me carting it back and forward every day. She goes out walking every day, so Lauren will get plenty of fresh air. Lauren wasn't strange at all, she loves everyone and begs for attention This one-on-one will suit her, I hardly think she will miss me!

I think this is the right decision for my family. I believe my girls will be well looked after and I do trust these people.

Trouble is, I'm feeling a bit blue. I don't want to leave them. Only natural I suppose.

.My Crocodile Hunter. Her favourite passtime every night. 

This is Cinderella at the ball !!! My brother bought this reversable dress for Caitlin for Christmas and she *has* to wear it ever day. 

My Showgirl 

The is Cinderella when she couldn't go to the ball !!! 

Time To ‘Fess Up

Someone has fiddled with my baby’s in-built alarm clock!
I had one of those little angels that goes to sleep around 1930 hrs and wakes around 0700 hrs. But since the middle of last week Lauren has taken to waking at 0530 hrs! Now some might say “Serves you right” but I cannot think of anything bad enough that I’ve done lately to deserve this torture.

I’ve tried whispering in her ear, all motherly, that is it unacceptable behaviour and that I‘d much prefer if she would lie on in the mornings. I’ve tried keeping her up later at night (she went to bed last Thursday at 2130 hrs but still woke at 0530 hrs). I’ve tried dreaming feeding her around midnight. All without success.

I’ve also tried looking for the re-set switch. I’ve lifted up the back of her vest, checked in her nappy, checked the bottom of her head. All the usual places you’d find a switch on Baby Annabell or Baby Chou Chou or Baby Born but suffice to say Baby Lauren does not have a re-set switch.

However, I’ve not given up hope. I’m a “cup half full” type of girl and I’m determined to win this battle!

I Believe AF Has Shares In HPT's

I had a sweat on this month.

I missed my period last month due to mucking up on my pills. I forgot to take the last three days and no sooner had I swallowed them on the first day of my week break, than I remembered that I should have just left it! So when AF didn't show. I didn't worry.

Then, totally unlike me, I mucked up the next two weeks too!

So,when I took my last pill last Sunday I knew I would be sweating it, waiting on AF this week. By about Thursday, when it didn't show and I had no symptoms I told Ivan. We agreed that if it wasn't here by the end of the week, I'd test.

Friday evening, still no sign and I decided to buy a test to use over the weekend. Of course the shop only had double pack left! So I forked out the money and finished my shopping before heading back to the car and home. No sooner was I in the front door of the house than the cramps started. I swear I couldn't believe it.

It was as if buying the test had triggered my period!

It eventually showed this morning. Not before I took a test last night anyway, just to make sure!!!!!!!!

For the record I wouldn't have minded being pregnant. To be honest, I'd have been secretly over the moon but the timing would have been lousey, what with PND, returning to work, Lauren's age, childminding situation etc. Maybe, just now, it's for the best.

A BIG Thank You

I just want to say a Big Thank You to all my cyber friends. I've never met you and yet you leave the most heartwarming comments. You pick me up when I'm feeling down. You make me laugh and smile. You support me more than you will ever know or realize. In turn I enjoy taking a peek into your lives and I hope that one day our paths will cross.

I'm so glad that we've met via the internet and I promise that if I ever win the lottery I will arrange a big meet-up for us all!

I really shouldn't dress them the same but Christmas was a wonderful opportunity! 

6 Months Old Today :: got Lauren weighed on Monday and she was 17lb 5oz. She is doing well with the solids now so I'm going to start cooking & freezing my own stuff next week (I hope!). This picture was taken after Caitlin sang "Happy Birthday To You". They then shared a bar of white chocolate and a rusk. Sisters! 

Meltdown

My head is munched right now. I'm not sure how I feel. Confused. Mixed up. I feel I'm on the start of a downward spiral. I need to get the next few weeks over me. Fast.

It started last Friday. I thought I was doing ok. I thought the anti-d's were working. The I bumped into a girl from work at the local shopping centre. She asked how I was doing, was I looking forward to going back to work, what's going to happen with the girls etc. The usual chit chat. I stood there smiling, saying I couldn't wait to be back, couldn't wait for some normality, the girls - not sure but I'm sure we'll sort something out!

Then on the drive home the voices started. "I'm a dickhead" "I a phoney" "Prenting everything is ok when it's not" blah, blah, blah

I got into the house, dumped the girls with Ivan and locked myself in the bathroom. I was in tears and feeling like I was going to puke.

I was lying through my teeth. Why couldn't I be honest with everyone? I don't know what the fuck we are going to do about childcare and I'm due to go back to work Monday week! Monday week for fucks sake and I've got nothing sorted. I'm burying my head in the sand and I can't see a way out of this mess. It's really starting to make me ill.

I rang the HV and had a chat with her. She wanted to come out and visit but I've put her off and promised I'll ring again if I have another meltdown.

Then today, I'd to go to the GP/Nurse to get a rx for the pill. Just before I left the house, work rang arranging for me to come in for a meeting next Monday to discuss my request to work from home part of the week. They asked the usual "How are you feeling/coping?" I gave the usual answer "Fine, oh fine. Looking forward to getting back to work!" Started feeling sick almost immediately.

I broke down again in front of the nurse like a right idiot!

I just want someone to sort this mess out. Tell me what to do, give me the answers. I'm fed up. My head hurts churning it round and round, over and over, again and again.

My Baby Moved Into Her Cot

Monday we decided to make up the cot for Lauren. To be honest, she was bursting out of the Moses Basket, I don't know how she lasted so long in it considering she was over 10 lb at birth!

She looked so cute going to bed but a bit lost given the size of the cot. She wasn't too keen on the sleeping bag we got her so I'm going to leave that for a few weeks. On the other hand, she loved the mobile!

She slept well this week. Maybe only wakes once a night, usually due to coughing and can be settled quite quickly.

I'm taking the Moses Basket and the bedding to a Charity Shelter tomorrow, I don't think I'd be lucky to get a third time out of it, lol.

We had a wonderful Christmas and New Year.

Caitlin loved, loved, loved Christmas morning, although the night before she decided she didn’t want Santa to come into her bedroom with her stocking and asked if he could just leave it down stairs! She then wanted us to lock the stair gate to stop him getting upstairs!

When she waked in and seen her bike, she just kept saying “Wow, wow, wow” over and over. She is a right little racer, she goes soooo fast. Her steering is good but she cannot yet use the breaks!

Lauren loved unwrapping the presents and didn’t mind too much about what was inside! She has a few favourites, like a little bunny rattle my sister got her. It has really long ears, legs and arms ~ all great for chewing on!

I only had one tearful episode over the holiday period so I’m quite pleased about that. It was up in my mum and dad’s house on Christmas night! I think it was induced by the wine, I should have known better. I just admitted to my mum the problems I’ve been having and the flood gates opened. I was glad my sisters weren’t around to see it, that would have made me feel even worse! The next morning I felt so ashamed and angry with myself. We were driving home and I was quite. I kept going over and over in my head what I’d said and done the night before. Thankfully Ivan was able to get through to me before I sank any deeper. He talked me round and by the time we got home I’d accepted I’d been a drunken prat and it was no biggie!

My mum babysat on Friday evening (only night we could get a sitter) and we went out to celebrate New Years Eve Eve. We went into town about 3pm and didn’t get to bed until 2am. A great time was had. It was just what we needed. We went to a few new bars that we had not visited before, we went for a lovely meal and we ended up in an old favourite to finish the night. Lets just say that between us we drank a lot, lot, lot of vodka, enough to keep the Russians happy for another couple of months! If I never see another vodka cocktail it will be too soon.

Happy New Year