My head is munched right now. I'm not sure how I feel. Confused. Mixed up. I feel I'm on the start of a downward spiral. I need to get the next few weeks over me. Fast.
It started last Friday. I thought I was doing ok. I thought the anti-d's were working. The I bumped into a girl from work at the local shopping centre. She asked how I was doing, was I looking forward to going back to work, what's going to happen with the girls etc. The usual chit chat. I stood there smiling, saying I couldn't wait to be back, couldn't wait for some normality, the girls - not sure but I'm sure we'll sort something out!
Then on the drive home the voices started. "I'm a dickhead" "I a phoney" "Prenting everything is ok when it's not" blah, blah, blah
I got into the house, dumped the girls with Ivan and locked myself in the bathroom. I was in tears and feeling like I was going to puke.
I was lying through my teeth. Why couldn't I be honest with everyone? I don't know what the fuck we are going to do about childcare and I'm due to go back to work Monday week! Monday week for fucks sake and I've got nothing sorted. I'm burying my head in the sand and I can't see a way out of this mess. It's really starting to make me ill.
I rang the HV and had a chat with her. She wanted to come out and visit but I've put her off and promised I'll ring again if I have another meltdown.
Then today, I'd to go to the GP/Nurse to get a rx for the pill. Just before I left the house, work rang arranging for me to come in for a meeting next Monday to discuss my request to work from home part of the week. They asked the usual "How are you feeling/coping?" I gave the usual answer "Fine, oh fine. Looking forward to getting back to work!" Started feeling sick almost immediately.
I broke down again in front of the nurse like a right idiot!
I just want someone to sort this mess out. Tell me what to do, give me the answers. I'm fed up. My head hurts churning it round and round, over and over, again and again.
9 years ago
6 comments:
Beautiful Lorraine, lots of women go through what you are going through. Don't sink your head into the sand, let all of your feelings out either to Ivan, to your friends online or to people you know in real life.
The only way things will get better is if you are able to talk about it.
We love you!!! (Especially me!!)
Lorraine, many women go through this....please know that this is NOTHING to be ashamed of. However, you are NOT a freak if you do not tell everyone you meet about your life's troubles. Just remember there are people out there that care (me included :) and especially your physicians, family and friends. It is up to you with whom and how much you want to share your story with.
Hold your head up high my dear!! :)
(hugg)
You had a baby only 6 months ago, your hormones are not levelled out yet. I have gone through post partum a few times and I know what you are describing ( I did not have to work but I did have babies close together and was very overwhelmed ). I would panic when my husband pulled away in the morning , i would freeze with anxiety. I had people tell me to 'pull up my socks' and 'suck it up' and even ' thats what you get for having too many kids'. I found joining ( reluctantly at first ) a support group helpful and being realistic with my expectations on myself. I also started eating well ( no sugar )and started exercising and going to bed early , I found those things very helpful too . Please don't be hard on yourself .
Lorraine- big hugs to you. I think everyone tries to hide their feelings on things like this. I remember I used to and then people would come over and find me a emotional wreck. You really need to talk to your husband about what you are feeling. Hang in there!
I agree with Sabrina, it's not normal to feel like talking about what's really going on when you feel like this. We all like to put our best face forward and show the world we're coping just fine. Oh Lorraine how I wish I lived closer so I could help you out, just know there are plenty of people who are behind you and know that you will get through this! ((hug!))
Oh honey!
How long have you been on the anti-d's? They say, and I found it to be true, that it takes about three weeks for them to completely work their way into your system.
Also, I know that feeling of making it look like you're OK. Personally, I probably still do that to acquaintances, but to real girlfriends I am honest and they see the emotional mess I am. It's alright to not divulge your thoughts to everyone, just make sure you have a good support system that you can (Ivan, family?, friends...).
Post a Comment